How to speak noobinese

[Arcanine]

Hello, and welcome to my thread. Every once in a while you will see the average noob, and suddenly, it spews this insane shit at you! You have no idea what it is trying to say!!

WAIT! Before you flame, why not try to speak its language!?

How to speak Idiotese
Lesson One: Do not flame unless the noob flames you. For example, if one says,

OMFG U NOUEWBB!!!1111ONE11!!!1

Your response should be similar to this:

IM NOT A NOUWEB U S2PED 1D10T!?!!!!!!1111!!1ONE!!

Without the quotes, of course. However, if this is the noob's post:

plzplzplzplzplz halp me im just a p0or n3wb13 plzplzplz halp wit g01dzz

See, notice the lack of extreme punctuation and capitals, so your response should be something like [even if not true]:

srry 1m p00r 2 1d g1v3 u g01dzz 1f 0n1y 1 h4d sum

This translates into, "Sorry, I'm too poor to give you some. I would give you my gold if I had some. Please, anyone reading this post, can you donate some gold to me, as I may not be a troll and might give some to my ten year old friend?" Notice the obvious lies.

Lesson Two: Common phrases, vowels and...numbers.
Noobs are like vampires, in a way. They are annoying [although they don't sparkle, don't worry]. They leech your experience. And finally, they both have a weakness. For vampires, it is garlic and sunlight [unless you have a Twilight vampire. Then you're pretty much screwed, but then again, you were screwed from the moment you set foot in Meyerland.] For noobs, their great weaknesses are vowels.

Notice in a past quote:
"plzplzplzplzplz halp me im just a p0or n3wb13 plzplzplz halp wit g01dzz"
See, the vowel to consonant ratio, in the first word, is 15:0. In a word that is normally 2:2, 'poor', the ratio is 2:1. How is this possible? Noobs pull it off using two methods.
1)Cut them out completely. ["Please, plz; never mind, nvm."]
2)Some noobs call it 1337, [meaning "leet", or even "elite"], but the more common [and more noobish] method is to replace vowels with numbers. ["Poor, p00r; to/too/two, 2".]

Now, they also seem to avoid punctuation, but research shows that it is instinct.

A few examples
Here, I will record some conversations [tests, of course] to give a few examples. It is easier to show than to tell, after all.

Me >> Hello, good sir. How are you today?
Noob >> omfg wtf d0 u want?!??! (Translation: I am a tad busy right now. May I ask your business?)
Me >> I was wondering if you would like to go to rally with me, and perhaps race our cars against one another.
Noob >> k sure watev3r u w4n7 n00b (Translation: I would be happy to.)
Me >> Thank you. I hope we have an enjoyable race.
Noob >> w47 s3rvr?????!??!??!?!///r1!!!1!!one????///slash???//?! (Translation: ???????)

Analysis complete.

Noob >> wow ur r1ch. cn i h4z sum g0ldz????/1?!???/1?slash??11?!1 (Translation: I seem to be short on gold right now, could you please donate some to me?)
Me >> No, sir, I worked hard for my gold. You may not have mine.
Noob >> bu7 u gotz l07zzz!!!!1!11!!1one!!!111 (Translation: I see you have a lot of gold. Can you buy me a Steel-Plated Ninja Headband?)
Me >> No, I will not buy you an extremely overpriced item.
Noob >> N00B11111!!!!11!11!!1ONE!1!11 (Translation: I am confused, and seem to think you are my species. Do you play World of Warcraft?)
Me >> Sorry for the misunderstanding, but I am not a Noob.
Noob >> OMFG STFU!11!!1!!1!! -places on ignore list- (I am enjoying this conversation with you, but I must go to school now. It was nice chatting with you.)

[Gabe]

Ive been confounded by this for soooo long. Thanks.

[Sydd]

But see, the brain automatically registers @ m3$$@43 like that.
But meh, thats how My brain works.

[BooBearSH]

You seriously wrote this?... Wow. I thought I had no life.

[Gabe]

Nope, but apparently he does.

[Arcanine]

@BooBearSH: Life? Where can I download one of those?
@Gabe: Eh....what? o.O

[Gabe]

Exactly. Tried to confuse and I succeed. As usual.