There's too much imagery in the second paragraph.
I wasn't sure what was going on, perhaps try to expand it to explain what happened, and stay on topic a little more?
"A buttefly tiptoeing in abandone" really makes no sense. The last paragraph confuses me. You use elipses too much...I have that same problem v_v
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Thread: What Happened ?
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- 21 Nov. 2010 10:31am #2