Simple Poem

[missangelachristine]

So this is just a simple poem I just wrote up real quick for my boyfriend (its our 5 month anniversary) and it pretty much describes our story...I met him when I was 8 and fell in love he was my childhood crush (we dated once for a week in third grade) and it was never really returned and I dreamt of him for years until I turned 20 and he actually gave me a real chance (and he fell head over heals of course ) so yeah feedback on the poem??


FOREVERS MAKE

Our eyes first met
When I was just eight
My heart was set
That you'd be my mate

I longed for you
Your soul to take
To love and hold
Forevers make

A childs dream
Come so far
My love for you
Suffocated within a Jar

I dreamt of days
That would never fade
A childs heart
A dream be made

Down a rocky road
Breathe with-held
My dreams come alive
Two souls are meld

You are my half
The only one
Forever take
Til we are done

Ill love you strong
Until death arrives
And forever long
Our souls will entwine.

[The_Theomorphic_Librarian]

First 'n foremost: congratulations with your anniversary! :]

I've been in a year-long relationship myself and I assure you:
there's no better source of inspiration than love!
Words really tend to flow out of those hands (and hearts!) when you're in love.
And certainly, they mean a great deal to the receiver (read: your lover) too ;]

However, a bit of a dreadful sin to love poems is that they're always
very alike; meaning not only theme-wise, but also content-wise.

Love is love; but there are many ways to put that intrds. Shakespeare had
a very poetic way of doing so, others choose to take more plain ways.

In your case, I'd say it's a beautiful poem, but on the other hand,
there are a million of the same, beautiful love poems out there. It -basically-
doesn't distinguish itself from others as it is now.

Not that it should! No, not at all! After all, remember: you've written this for
your lover, not for the world to behold the idea of 'love' or 'relationship'.
I'm sure that if you'd have chosen to write for a wide audience, you would've
put more thought into it, rather than heart.

For a lover, your heart is all that matters.
For a general reader -like me- thoughts are what matter the most.

So it all depends on your ways :]

But -again- this certainly is beautiful and please, do write/post more of your works!
I'll be most definitely looking forward to them!

[missangelachristine]

aw thankyou for your review! and yes I can completely see what you mean. I actually started to extend it in an odd way and I had to cut off the end of the poem to make its own poem because it really didnt go well for an anniversary poem. I started taking it to the level of the devil and selling my soul to possess the heart of the one I loved in the poem and it was coming time that the devil was coming to collect his payment and how I wasnt going to just give up my end of the bargain (my soul) because I finally had LOVE and it was going to be worth fighting for. I have never written a poem thats "supernatural" or how ever you would like to see that so I am not sure if I will even be able to write it or write it well beings its new territory for me. I like giving myself challenges though with poetry and trying something completely new that seems hard or difficult and see if I can accomplish writing a certain way ect

[The_Theomorphic_Librarian]

Practice makes perfect! Explore new grounds 'n try them out; you'll get better ;]

[gotxbrain]

Be very careful of syllables in each line when rhyming, it can ruin flow if there's just 1 more syllable in the next line than the previous.

---------- Post added at 02:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 029 AM ----------

A childs dream
Come so far
My love for you
dies in a jar

that would be a slightly better way to say that.