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Poem I wrote in 5 mins cuz my fiancé broke my heart today. Feedback?

1.1k views · started by missangelachristine ·
#1
Poem I wrote in 5 mins cuz my fiancé broke my heart today. Feedback?
I don’t know what to do
I have nowhere else to go
How did we end up here
With nothing left to show

How could such things
Be so greatly misunderstood
That we lost half our selves
And what was once good

What happened to perfect
A life we thought we knew
Lied buried in hidden secrets
And no way to shine through

Do we run far away now
Or do we try to repair the broken
A mirror image of what once was
Can it be awoken?

Dried up glue from shattered hearts
Scattered in a million pieces
Losing shreds of our souls
Lost within the creases

Can you ever fully mend
Such a broken, shattered heart
To mend with pieces from your soul
To fix cupids dart


Is it really worth the cost
To lose one for another
A soul for a heart
Lost within a smother

The devil’s smiling now
Provoking with an offer
Do you cave and sign the contract
Or do you just let…it…go…
#2
Before you read any of this, I'll put a disclaimer. Just because my critique of your poem is harsh does not mean the way you feel was not adequate. It does not mean you need to stop writing down your feelings. It should be used as a means to improving you writing only, and if anything will help you convey what you feel better.

Your sylables need work, each line had an entirely different sylable than the one it's supposed to match up with. If you want to have a rhyming poem (which is, by the way ENITRELY not necessary, but if you want to make one) then you need to work on rhyming better. Sure, they rhyme but they're very simple rhymes usually. Go, show; heart, dart; knew, through. Try and rhyme larger words, and don't make it seem like you had to change what you were saying just so that the last word rhymed. Another, Smother- those rhymed well, however smother REALLY doesn't make sense though, it seems as if you threw it in because it rhymed.
#3
You should be proud of your work!
Don't title it "what I wrote in 5 minutes" because "x".