I'm one of the smartest kids in my year, and have massive amounts of potential, but don't know how to use it.
It rips me to shreds to see myself wasting so much knowledge on shit that doesn't matter, and seeing other kids pull their shit together and graduate a year early with half their college credits.
I don't eve know why I can't do that shit.
It's like a part of me knows how inevitable my failure is.
Even though another part of wants so bad to succeed.
And to be noticed.
All my life, all I've wanted is attention.
That's why I act the way I do on here.
The Internet is the only place I get noticed.
In all reality, nobody outside of my family really cares much about me.
My friends only hang out with me because I help them with understanding the music for band.
My girlfriend was specifically chosen, and manipulated to want to be around me.
And that's the worst part.
I specifically picked a girl whose emotions had been shattered, and who'd been verbally and emotionally assaulted multiple times in her life. I took her mind and crafted it into a truly good person, but with a flaw. She needs me to survive.
She craves my approval. I don't text back for a day? She breaks down. Starts questioning everything.
It's like I get some sort of kick out of things needing me to survive.
It's probably why I was so attracted to playing the Sims as a kid.
Knowing that without me, these things. They'd die.
That if they refused my direction, they would suffer.
Because for some stupid reason, everything I do is motivated by being noticed.
I got good at math, because my parents noticed me for it.
Then they stopped.
So I got good at reading. And computers. And English, and science, and every possible thing I could think of.
Just trying to get attention.
And then my brother was born.
And the attention shifted away from me.
no matter how great my success was, I wasn't noticed.
So I switched.
I started failing.
not enough to be held back. Just enough to get attention. C's, a few D's.
And then that stopped working too.
So now I'm lost.
Everybody around me is too busy to notice me for anything.
And it's starting to tear me apart on the inside.
I hate waking up, beccause I have to go through my day, and act happy, while people focus on things that have nothing to do with me.
I have to deal with not having a local relationship.
With people talking about how much fun they had.
When I have no true friends.
Nobody who actually enjoys hanging out with me.
It all just pisses me off so much.
So I try to keep myself busy.
I buld computers, play games, learn instruments.
all in an attempt to distract myself from how I much I have failed myself.
And how I'm failing my parents, and will become nothing but a burden on society because the workplace is a non-discriminate pile of gray.
I have to spend everyday knowing I could be better, but I'm not.
Knowing I could serve the world in the army, but my body is wrong.
Knowing I could help people in school, but I can barely keep my grades up.
Knowing that I have absolutely no motivation to succeed, because the chances of being noticed are so low.
I don't like school. Not in the lol school is gay way.
In the 'everyone else gets attention too' way.
If I had one teacher, all to myself.
If I could do things at my pace.
I would finish every school day hours early.
I would do several days of work in one.
I would succeed more than any person before me.
But that's not how the system orks.
The system is designed against people who thrive on attention.
I can't afford private schools.
I can't even afford half the fees I have to pay for public school.
And knowing that my parents cut corners to pay for all this shit, that I'm not even using...
Knowing that I'm basically a hole in the ground, that they're chucking money into.
It honestly makes me want to die.
But I'd never do anything about. I'm going to wake up everyday, and do the same thing I've been doing.
And I cannot change it, no matter how hard I try, and it kills me.
