I need help reviewing my essay

[Hellsome]

Alrighty, I posted another thread like this in the writing sections but I also am bringing it here because of the larger amount of people here.

I am looking for someone to look over my paper and tell me what it is that I should fix. If you can help me in a understandable way I will gladly pay you in 20k lgg.

Bound By Insecurity

Drug use is a very common way of hiding from struggles and hardships. This is represented in Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. The government offers soma to the people of this fictional world, but is this world all that fictional? Offering the people soma allows the government to take complete control. The drugs allow the people of Brave New World a gateway to illusions where they can forget about their worries and problems. (1.) Huxley wants to show people the harm drugs can cause and how controlling the government can be. (2.)

(1.)What are the "drugs"? So far I've only seen one drug mentioned - Soma. Change it to "The drug allows" or mention other drugs before.
Change the sentence; right now you have it as "the drug allows people of this gateway", it would be grammatically correct to say that "... the drug allows people to enter an imaginary world where..."

(2.) If you use show, then your sentence should be parallel. In that sentence, it would be better to change "the harm drugs can cause" into "how harmful the drugs are" to maintain parallelism.

Being insecure is a common reason for being susceptible to drugs. Teens abusing drugs is a large problem in the world today. Most teens do drugs because "they're (3.) insecure and they think drugs will help"(National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign). Drug use in Huxley's society is the foundation of the government, one of the main characters attempts to free the soma junkies of Brave New World "I'll teach you; I'll make you be free whether you want to or not" (213). (4.) Huxley represents the pressure that being insecure can cause us to do. (5.)

(3.) The apostrophe makes your paper informal. change it to "they are".
(4.) Integrate the quote so that the sentence flows. Choppy sentences typically annoy the reader/grader.
(5.) Change "being insecure" to insecurity.

Governmental control over the distribution and regulation of drugs is the iron curtain of the drug world today. The government's outlaw of drug trafficking causes promotion of crimes and drug abuse "The outlawing of drugs clearly promotes organized crime by providing revenue generating avenues such as drug production, trafficking, and distribution" (Hubpages inc.). Drug distribution in Huxley's novel is done so by the world controller and hospitals, the drugs are used to keep the people of the world state under the steel hand of the government. Some takes the place of religion (6.) in Huxley's novel "Christianity without tears— that’s what soma is" (23. In Huxley's novel soma and sex take place (11.) of religion.

(6.) It's vague. What does "some" refer to?
(11.) I believe you mean "replace" rather than take place.

Human weakness to the temptations of drugs (7.) is a major problem in insecure parts of the world, such as Africa. Drug trafficking has become a major problem in this part of the world "More recently, trafficking in heroin and cocaine has made narcotic drugs easily available across Africa despite the existing legal control measures"(Springer Science). In Huxley's novel the drugs are distributed by the government to insure (8.) that the people remain insecure so they don't rebel "what need we have of repose when our minds and bodies continue to delight in activity? Of consolation, when we have soma" (234). Their (8.) is a few exceptions to the governmental rule over this society such as Bernard, John and the controller who all find a way to avoid the grasp of the soma.Huxley tries to tell us that it is possible to find freedom in a world surrounded by insecurity and drugs.

(7.) Repetitive. Just get rid of temptations since the way you use temptations and weakness makes them synonymous.
(8.) Wrong word - you mean ensure, not insure and there, not their.

Instead of sitting around waiting for your dose of insecurity (9.) to come around, stand up and make a decision to avoid it altogether. In Huxley's novel the entire world is addicted to Soma. If we could stand up together and avoid the impact that our government might strike upon us and avoid the temptations that Soma will cause to us.

(9.) Don't switch from third person to first person. It makes you come off as an immature writer.

The edits are in bold and italics.

When I read your paper, the quotes were too long. When you're quoting, you generally would not want to use long quotes, more so shorter quotes so that there's more of your opinion rather than another person's opinion.

Whenever you talk about a specific topic, you end up briefly touching the surface of the analysis rather than going in and deeply analyzing whatever it is you are saying which does not strengthen your point whatsoever.