First page of my prologue to novel

[Shaowen]

Hey. Writing a novel, and I've finished the first page. It's a bit raw right now, just getting in to the groove of things, however I would appreciate some comments, constructive criticism etc. Thank you.

[gotxbrain]

My humble advice: lay of the thesaurus. That's very good advice. A few good descriptors here and there are fine but too much is just... it's just bad writing. Like Twilight.

[Torian]

I personally like it, please post more as you progress. Chapter by chapter would make my day <3

[Aishiteru]

Ya know, I like this.
But I was reading it, and all of the sudden I started thinking of Hentai.
O _ O'

[Slash]

Keep posting more o_o

What's neat is that the TV next to me is playing this medieval-ish at the end of a war scene music that matches this prologue perfectly.

[Shaowen]

My humble advice: lay of the thesaurus. That's very good advice. A few good descriptors here and there are fine but too much is just... it's just bad writing. Like Twilight.

I never actually touched the thesaurus, simply trying to be descriptive to set up the scene, it being the first page and all. I guess I'm writing this for an adult audience, therefore you may not understand the meaning of certain terms. Thanks for your opinion.

[Confide]

I never actually touched the thesaurus, simply trying to be descriptive to set up the scene, it being the first page and all. I guess I'm writing this for an adult audience, therefore you may not understand the meaning of certain terms. Thanks for your opinion.

Dude that was exactly like twilight. Stop trying to make them feel bad by insulting them as a child. Go to hell.

[Artificial]

Dude that was exactly like twilight. Stop trying to make them feel bad by insulting them as a child. Go to hell.

Lol, you've read twilight.

[Confide]

Lol, you've read twilight.

Only twice.

[gotxbrain]

I never actually touched the thesaurus, simply trying to be descriptive to set up the scene, it being the first page and all. I guess I'm writing this for an adult audience, therefore you may not understand the meaning of certain terms. Thanks for your opinion.

If you're going to resort to name calling ad ridiculing, we'd have to take a step back and examine who the real child is. You posted here to get critiscism, I gave it. I'm not your parent, i'm not going to coddle you and say "Oh that's amazing" because then you'd never improve.

And I never said i couldn't understand it, i said there are TOO MANY descriptors. WAY too many. Like in Twilight. Lay off the long descriptive words, or at the least don't put one in every sentence.

[Shaowen]

Didn't mean for it to come out as an insult Thought you might have been around 13-14, and simply didn't understand some terms, as many of the people who play Gaia on this site appear to be.

Appreciate the criticism.

[Organic]

My humble advice: lay of the thesaurus. That's very good advice. A few good descriptors here and there are fine but too much is just... it's just bad writing. Like Twilight.

First thought in all honesty.

Reread twice, and I honestly feel as if it reads too much like something comparable to Twilight.

Descriptions every other word, low level vocabulary.

"softly grabbed"

"tired, hungry fatigued"

There are some great moments in this, but at times it's just too general and like every other fantasy novel I've read.

[Gina]

Its nice keep writing

[Cloud]

Unfortunately I am going to agree with a few people here. I read a lot and to me this was good but too much like Twilight. It is an interesting concept I do hope you write more.