Chapter 1.

[Kanako]

By the way guys, I'm looking for a co-author as well. Message me if you're interested in developing ideas/writing

“Tell me that this will be worth it.” That was what his wife had asked of him. He had been so sure of himself, but he needed one last go, he wanted to prove himself. Gregory Small worked for a company known as The American International Sea Lines, or AISL for short, but it could have been called Eurasian or even African International Sea Lines. Hell, it could have just as easily gone generic and dubbed itself “The International Sea Lines.” The AISL had ports spanning almost across the entire globe and had luxury cruise ships sailing on paths that were just as widespread. This particular ship originated from San Francisco, California, housing a great deal of United States celebrities and not a small amount of their body guards.

Gregory was the captain of the ship, 73 years of age and counting. His deep blue eyes and fluid movement were often said to be reminiscent of the ocean. The thinning hair upon his head was entirely white by this point; the light blond tint had begun fading a good 40 years or so ago. The only observable difference in his behavior as he aged was that he began to become enthralled in scrutinization of small aspects of life around him. Given some time alone, it was observable that he would ponder for hours at a time about entirely trivial matters. Sometimes, the crew would even leave him alone in the bridge to allow him a bit more privacy.

Sitting in front of the control console, Gregory picked up his favorite mug, which happened to house a small crack that ran along the handle. He had been helping his wife with the dishes one day and it had somehow fallen to the floor. He attempted to remember more. After the dishes were done, he had gone to sit on the couch, newspaper in one hand and mug in the other. The kids arrived home from school and instantly began to fight over whose turn it was to choose the channel on the television. Gregory stood up from the couch and attempted to separate the two. During the squabble, they had accidentally knocked the mug out of his hand, spilling coffee all over the wooden floor. He had gotten quite angry at the time, but by the next evening, the incident was already long forgotten. That happened almost half a lifetime ago.

Turning around, he ran his free hand across his chin, which housed a short, stubby beard, and turned away from the ship’s monitor. His birthday would be in a week and it just happened to coincide with his planned retirement day. Sarah Small had begged and pleaded for him to come home already; he needn’t work anymore, they were well past their planned retirement savings. But he wouldn’t listen, he wouldn’t have it. He was always sort of engrossed in himself, his pride devouring his good sense. He wanted to go out with a bang. And what better way than to be the captain of the ship that would create history by sailing to every major port in the world?

He smiled as he thought of the welcoming party back home. He smiled as the torpedo sped towards the cruise liner. Smiled as he sipped his coffee with his back turned to the red alert screen of the deck’s radar console. And he was still smiling when the ship and everyone on it became little more than a red flare on the surface of the ocean 300 miles away from the Eastern Asian shoreline.

[gotxbrain]

Hmm. First thing is you did a good job spacing out big words, ever since twilight came a long people think it's good writing to use the thesaurus to replace every other word in your story, but you didn't do that. so congrats.

second, is sometimes when you used good imagery, you would use the same thing very early on to describe something different:

The only observable difference in his behavior......it was observable that he would ponder for hours at a time

originated from San Francisco, California, housing a great deal of United States celebrities......his favorite mug, which happened to house a small crack.....his chin, which housed a short, stubby beard

In the beggining, he was talking to his wife, or he was remembering she had told him this, but then instantly you stray off that topic. When you get back on it a couple paragraphs later, you no longer remember that sentence, and it is forgotten in the moment. it would add quite a bit more depth in the right spot.

Furthermore, expanding on the last memory of him and his wife would be even better, and would make for a chapter with considerably more content. Of course chapter length is always up to the author.

I don't know about co-author, but I wouldn't mind possibly being an editor (once nano is over and i finish writing/editing my story, of course)

[S_Phoenix]

At the beginning, one thing that stood out to me the most was "He needs to SHOW his character, not TELL" yet when I reached the end I saw why you chose this particular format.
Since this chapter hinges on the bang at the end, you may want to get a better hook going at the beginning to really suck the reader in so they actually GET to that awesome bang. (If this is a first draft, or even second, I understand. they always come out like this )

Two small things:
"stubby beard" means "short and stout facial hair"... which is pretty accurate but I think what you were aiming for was "stubbly beard" as in with much stubble.
"He was always sort of engrossed in himself" Wonderful usage of the word engrossed (I'm glad to see this as I work alongside people who don't know what "inflammatory" means...) however the piece is "sort of" too casual. Let me rephrase that... The piece is "rather" too casual. ("rather" will flow a bit better and not sound like a teenager is telling the story)

[gotxbrain]

I hate when people say "show not tell". It is the worst piece of advice you could ever give, it's not even true and it's impossible to distinguish between the two. Plus, it is NECESSARY to TELL the reader that a character exists, and you can't SHOW what a character looks like without TELLING what clothes it wears. Sure, when discussing personality you shouldn't TELL you should rather SHOW, but that's talking about the entire course of the story. an equal balance of SHOWING and TELLING is necessary, as is a bit more TELLING when first introducing a character.

[/rant]

[S_Phoenix]

Well excuse me.

a balance of the two is nessisary... You can't simple introduce a character as "the man was wearing all black, had a gruff personality, one eye twichched madly when he smiled and his face was almost square-like"... if you do, the character comes off as a non-importaint personality. It's better to describe him in the midst of action... thus, describing what is the subject or direct object of the sentance. This adds interest and makes the piece not seem as though it was written for a SAT reading test